Like You Need to Breathe the Air
by xwhenyourenotdown
Summary: "She stands at the base of the driveway, blinking, not quite able to comprehend what she's gotten herself into."  Jade after "The Worst Couple," rated for language.


She turns and walks away from the door, desperately, desperately trying not to cry, breathing in through her nose, out through her mouth, he's going to come back out, he's not going to do this, in, out, in out, in out, just keep walking slowly, slowly, give him time, in, out, in, out.

Fuck.

She stands at the base of the driveway, blinking, not quite able to comprehend what she's gotten herself into. Her car isn't fucking here, they drove over in Beck's. Hers is parked outside the fucking RV.

She toys with her options: 1. Go back inside (no, no, no, absolutely no. If she sees Beck, she's fairly sure she'll start sobbing and this whole affair is already way too humiliating. By this point, he's probably having some sort of threesome with Tori and Trina and fuck, fuck, fuck. She slams her hand into his car door, not succeeding in doing any damage, but fuck, now her hand hurts on top of everything else.)

Oh god, she is going to cry.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. She needs to get the fuck out of here.

Okay, option 2: Text Andre or Robbie (if she texts Cat, "Come drive me home, don't tell anyone what you're doing," Cat will stand up and say, "Jade wants me to drive her home and not tell you what I'm doing." Also, she's not entirely sure how Cat got a license, but ... yeah, no.)

Both of them were Beck's friends first (not that she considers Robbie a friend, just someone with a car parked in this driveway) and so does that mean he gets to keep them? Fuck, the only person in that room who she's closer to than he is Cat. What is she supposed to do at school on Monday? Not that she wants to see any of them because this really is so fucking humiliating and he's in there telling them about how much she sucks and she can't even defend herself because she fucking walked out and ... oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, she is not crying, she is going to get out of here before that happens, inhale, exhale, she is not crying, her eyes are just ... sweating or something.

Fuck.

Okay, okay, option 3: steal one of the cars.

She pops the hood of Tori's car and blinks at it. She can't really see (because it's dark, not because her eyes are filling), but it looks really complicated and if she does something wrong and gets electrocuted and dies, they're all going to think she couldn't live without Beck and killed herself or something. Which would just make this all even more humiliating.

But, what would be even even more humiliating would be anyone coming out and finding her still here. In spite of herself, she stands there for a few more seconds, hoping that he comes out, say he loves her, or even that this isn't real, just some sort of fever dream, and she'll wake up in the RV, curled up against him.

None of those things happen and the tears are dripping down her face, coming faster and faster and all the deep breathing in the world is going to do nothing, so, glancing back one more time, she turns to the road, and starts walking.

She lives way, way too far away, but Beck's house is only like 5 miles. She'll get her car and all of her stuff - that way, she won't have to see him and she can spend the weekend curled up in bed, cutting all of the memories of their relationship to shreds.

5 miles is still a very long walk, especially when she's determined not to think about anything because if she starts crying any harder, she's not going to be able to see and the thought of Beck driving by and finding her collapsed on the street is too too much.

She's not sure if he would pull over or leave her there. She's not sure which one she would prefer.

The thoughts that slip through her determination to concentrate on nothing but her breathing aren't exactly kind. Yeah, he didn't love her enough to come after her, which is awful and makes her sick to her stomach. But she left, she fucking left him alone with Tori and if there was a chance they could fix this, it'll be gone after he spends time with someone pretty, and nice, who's good at listening and caring and fixing things when all of her major talents involve destroying them, and everything she was supposed to be but wasn't, and Beck was supposed to love her because she wasn't, but she always sort of suspected he didn't and would have preferred someone who was and...

She grabs a lamp post and struggles to stop crying.

She keeps going and tries to play acting games with herself, pretending that she's someone who didn't just get dumped, who didn't just throw three years away because she couldn't bear to be further humiliating in front of people she (mostly) doesn't even really like, that she isn't going to have a breakdown in the middle of the sidewalk.

But she was accepted to Hollywood Arts for singing. She only took an acting class in the first place because there was this girl in Beck's freshman year class who kept staring at him and glaring at her, so she transferred into the class to keep an eye on them. And turns out she liked it, but she never would have known that if not for him and fuck, is her entire future just going to remind her of him?

She grabs another lamp post. She can see his house if she squints. She slowly breathes, she can do this, she doesn't need him, there was a Jade before there was a Beck and Jade.

But three and a half years is a really fucking long time.

But so is however long it's taken her to walk here and he clearly doesn't care enough about the past three and a half years to come after her, so she won't either. She breathes a few more times and then walks towards his house as quickly as she can.

This attitude lasts until she lets herself into the RV and almost staggers backwards at the overwhelming, horrible fact that so much of her stuff is all over the place and she does not need to be reminded of all the days and nights she spent here, everything they've done (not even the sexual stuff, just the fucking Clue board on the table is making her tear up).

She swallows, closes her eyes, and reminds herself that breathing is a good idea and that she needs to get out of here before he comes back and this is not the time to be getting emotional over Beck's insistence that Mr. Green was horribly suspect because he was a Reverend in the Canadian version and people didn't get kicked out of the clergy for no reason.

She grabs a bag out of the cabinet and slowly begins piling stuff in it. She fills it and grabs another one. Most of the stuff is obvious (the skull ring isn't Beck's (although he did give it to her and she's not sure she still wants it)), but some of it's not - most of the wardrobe stuff she can sort out, there are three flannel shirts that they've both worn so many times that she has absolutely no idea whose they were originally.

And her toothbrush? What's she supposed to do with that? She has one at home, she doesn't need another one, but she doesn't want to leave it and throwing it out just seems too final.

She decides to bring the toothbrush and leave the shirts. She gathers up her bags, leaves her key to the RV on the table, and glances around the room one last time, sick to her stomach, tears dripping down her face because this is probably the last time she's going to be here and this is the closest thing to a home she's ever had.

As her eyes pass over the fish tank, a glimpse of silver catches her eye. And somehow, in spite of everything, this is what drives her to collapse on the couch and sob, sob so hard she can't breath or see and he's going to know that she was crying here because the pillow she's clutching to her chest is wet and disgusting and fuck, what the fuck is the supposed to do with the fucking fish?

She stays like that for a few seconds, minutes, hours, time really doesn't mean very much anymore, and the only thing that makes her stop is the thought that she really has no idea how long it's been and for all she knows, he could walk in on her like this and that can't, can't happen.

She watches Scissors swim for a few minutes (she would have come up with a cleverer name, she thinks to herself. The resemblance is undeniable as the fish is distinctly silver and pointy, but there is no need to be so obvious). She has no way to carry the fish, she's not entirely sure she would be unable to resist using its namesake against it by the time she got home, but Beck gave it to her not even a month ago and how could things have gone so wrong since then?

She's leaving the fish, she's leaving right now, she tells herself. But she stays on the couch, unable to move and leave it all behind because they were so perfect so not long ago and the fact that it's all over is finally just too much.

And fuck, that's a car in the driveway and those are footsteps on the stairs and a key in the lock.

And there's no point moving, it's not like there's anywhere to go or even anywhere to hide.

She takes some sort of pleasure in the fact that he doesn't exactly look surprised to find her there. They stare at each other for a few seconds before she can't take it anymore.

"I just wanted to get my stuff," her words keep tangling together and are coming out higher and faster than they ever have before. She can only remember one time that her voice was beyond her control and it just makes her sicker and the tears are threatening to spill over again.

"Um, yeah, you should... do that," he's swallowing almost every other word. He comes over to the couch and reaches out and she wonders if he's reaching for her and it's all going to be okay, but his arm stops short and fingers the shirts flung over the arm instead, "Are these yours?"

"I don't know, we both..." she is not going to cry, not now, not now.

"Yeah," he says.

The silence isn't awkward, but there's so much she wants to say to fill it, and the voice in her head is screaming that if she just went over and collapsed into his arms like she desperately wants to, that everything will be okay and that she doesn't need to do this.

She glances up and watches as he runs his fingers through his hair and suddenly her mind flashes to the countless girls who have attempted to do the same while she's right there and how he always says nothing.

She stands up slowly, grabbing her bags off the table, and walks towards the door, turning around to look at him. She presses her lips together and the tears are falling and she almost swears that he's crying too and she's never seen that happen before ever, and, and, and...

"Jade," he croaks, "I just, I just can't-"

"What we were fighting about?" Her words are still too fast, still too tangled, too desperate, "Like, we've been fighting nonstop for like weeks, like, a really, really, long time, but what were we fighting about? How did it start?"

He blinks, "I don't remember."

"Yeah, neither do I," she looks at him, "And, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like we should end like this. I mean, like, I love you" she pauses, attempting to collect herself, stop herself from spilling over with everything, "and it's been so long," it doesn't work, the tears are falling faster, "and just... not like this when we don't even know why."

"I love you too," his voice is breaking, "I just-"

It's taking every ounce of strength for her not to run into his arms because he seems so fragile and they could forget breaking up and just put everything back together. She looks around at anything but him, and a picture of the six of them catches her eye and all it takes is one glance at Tori's face for the image of him kissing her in front of the entire class to slam into her head.

She looks at him again and it is still completely undeniable that she wants to just curl up in his arms in bed, not even doing anything, but just being together, the way so much of her thinks they're meant to be.

But she doesn't want the sore throat from nights of screaming, the way her heart leaps into her throat and sears with jealously whenever another girl looks at him because, he's never cheated on her, yeah, but there are a million girls out there who would feed his ego and do whatever he wanted and eventually he might not think she's so special and worth it anymore.

But then, he let her walk away. She's not going over to him, but he's not exactly coming over to her either. That horrible future that always flashed before her eyes whenever a pretty girl walked up to them is fucking now.

Somehow her brain has switched on again and she's able to move and open the door, turning behind her for one last glance at everything they were and everything she had and everything she already misses so much that she's on the verge of collapsing and sobbing again.

She tries to think of something to say as she stands in the open doorway, but nothing can sum it all up and all she can get out is a small, choked, "Bye," not waiting for his response as she closes the door behind her and collapses on the steps.

She's not sure what makes her feel worse: that he can definitely hear her sobbing or that, this time, she's glad he doesn't come after her.

* * *

><p><em>Upon re-watch of the episode (I watched it for the first time in a Starbucks, which was a mistake. People look at you strangely when you are clearly trying not to cry all over your laptop), I realized that you can hear a car starting after Jade walks away from the door. So, we're all just going to pretend that was the neighbor's car... <em>

_But thank you all so much for all the lovely reviews I've gotten for this. I haven't felt inspired in a while and I did enjoy writing it. I have no plans to continue, but two of my earlier stories ("Lost In It" and "Only You and I") deal with a sad post-breakup Jade if you're looking for more of that. _


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